I Didn't Recognize Myself

I didn’t recognize myself anymore… and I didn’t know why.

I can pinpoint the exact moment things changed for me.

The day I had my IUD removed, it was like a dark cloud settled over my life. Almost like a curtain dropped—and everything shifted.

I wanted it out. I remember being excited. I wanted to feel natural. I wanted to feel my body again. I wanted to feel my femininity, my power… all of it.

And then… something violently changed.

Not slowly. Not over time. It felt immediate. And I didn’t understand it yet.

Before all of this, I would describe myself as confident, energetic, and happy. I’ve always been a curvy woman, and I loved that about myself. Even when things didn’t fit perfectly, I could laugh it off. I loved my legs. I felt strong. I felt feminine. I felt sexy. I just felt like me....and I loved it. 

And then one day… I didn’t anymore.

Within weeks, everything started to shift. I gained 30 pounds. My joints hurt.
I was in pain all the time. I felt emotional, overwhelmed, and completely disconnected from my body. All my blood work kept coming back “fine.” And I remember thinking…
I am not fine. Something is not right.

What people didn’t see was what was happening behind the scenes.

They saw me show up. They heard me joke about menopause, about hot flashes. But they didn’t see the tears and self-loathing. Almost every day.

They didn’t see me sitting at my computer, unable to function… just staring, zoning out, trying to work and not being able to. They didn’t see how desperate I felt.

I still had to go on TV.
I still had to teach my classes.
I still had to make money.

And every single day, I would talk myself through not breaking down. I was miserable. I hated myself. 

And the things I said to myself… I would never say out loud.

“You’re unimportant.”
“You don’t matter.”
“You’re unworthy.”
“You’re fat.”

Even saying that now is hard.

This was the first time in my life that I truly understood what so many women have told me they feel. And I didn’t understand it before. Because I had done the work. I was confident. I knew how to find the good in myself.

But this was different.

This stripped me of my confidence.

As a fitness professional, I felt like if I walked into a room and saw myself on stage, I wouldn’t think she looked healthy. As someone in fashion, I couldn’t fit into my clothes. I didn’t recognize my body. I didn’t know what my style was anymore. As a woman who teaches confidence…I didn’t feel like myself at all.

There were moments I thought about walking away from everything. 

At the same time, I was navigating major life changes.A shift between Reno and San Diego. Friendships that ended suddenly and painfully. A falling out with my dad. And I found myself asking questions I never thought I would ask:

Am I not a good friend?
Am I not a good daughter?
Am I not who I thought I was?

It was a lot. And it was heavy. And it was lonely.

The turning point came when I realized…I can’t keep going like this. Nothing was getting better. So something had to change.

I started advocating for myself.

I adjusted my hormones.
I stopped things that weren’t working.
I sought help.
I slowed down.

I started listening to my body again. And I started being kinder to myself.

And this is what I kept coming back to:

The tools I’ve been teaching women for years… saved me.

If I didn’t have those tools—if I didn’t know how to look for what feels good, how to reconnect with myself—I cannot imagine how much harder this would have been.

Because this isn’t about clothing. It’s about how you feel in your life. Your skin.

There were days I would stand in my closet and make myself ask, “What do I wear today?” instead of "How do I want to feel today?"

And I would build from there. Even if it was small. Even if it wasn’t perfect. And slowly… things started to shift. Not overnight. Not all at once. But I started to feel a little more like myself again.

If you are in this right now…

If you feel like you don’t recognize yourself…
If you feel disconnected, emotional, overwhelmed, or just not okay…

You are still you. You didn’t lose yourself. You lost connection to yourself. And you can get that back.

Be gentle with yourself.

Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.

Like the most important person in your life is hurting—and you would do anything to help them feel better.

Do that for yourself.

Look for the good. Even when you have to really, really look for it.

And start small.

Create moments that feel good.
Wear things that feel good.
Let go of what doesn’t.

You are not doing yourself any favors by holding onto things that make you feel worse.

This is not the end of you. This is a season. And there will be a day where you wake up…and you feel like yourself again. Maybe a little different. But still you.

I recently shared more of this journey on a podcast, and it was one of the first times I really said all of this out loud.

If you want to listen, I’d love for you to join me here: